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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28285686">down the rabbithole</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshAndSnow/pseuds/AshAndSnow'>AshAndSnow</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad prompt mashups [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Addiction, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Character Death, Childhood, Childhood Memories, Family, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Loki (Marvel)-centric, M/M, Memories, Minor Character Death, change</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:23:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,853</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28285686</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AshAndSnow/pseuds/AshAndSnow</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A new candy with the ability to relive the past has been invented. Loki, deep in the trenches of grief, latches onto this like a lifeline.</p><p>(Prompts:<br/>1. A piece of wisdom.<br/>2. A candy has been invented that allows you to relive any memory of your choosing.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Frigga | Freyja &amp; Loki (Marvel), Loki &amp; Odin (Marvel), Loki &amp; Thor (Marvel), Loki/Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Bad prompt mashups [6]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1987786</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>33</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>down the rabbithole</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>i.</p><p>The sun is shining. The sky is blue. A faint breeze is carrying the scent of roses.</p><p> </p><p>Loki’s currently sitting on his parents’ back patio, enjoying his mother’s company, a cup of mint tea, some freshly baked lemon cookies, and the view of the garden his mother has spent decades tending and cultivating. As a child, Loki thought the garden endless. Even now, as an adult, he sometimes feels a little like that.</p><p> </p><p>He’s at peace. It’s one of the most relaxed days of his life.</p><p> </p><p>”You’re deep in thought, darling,” Frigga observes, shaking Loki from his thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>”My apologies, mother,” he says. It’s a rehearsed statement – not that Frigga knows it. To her, this is as fresh and new as if it’s the first time. ”I’m just pleased to be here. It’s been so long.”<br/>
<br/>
For a second, Frigga’s smile takes on a rueful edge. He knows why this is. Ever since he moved, it’s been hard for him to visit as often as he would like. An ocean is not so easily crossed, after all. But she doesn’t say anything. She would never wish to leave cracks in Loki’s happiness, Loki knows. Instead, she reaches out and clasps his hand in hers.</p><p> </p><p>”You’re here now. That’s what matters.”</p><p> </p><p>Loki smiles back. ”I love you, mother.”</p><p> </p><p>Frigga’s smile brightens anew. ”And I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>It’ll be one of the last times Loki sees her. It’s an afternoon all the more precious for it.</p><p> </p><p>Loki knows, because he’s lived it a hundred times.</p><p> </p><p>ii.</p><p>Three years ago, Loki met the love of his life.</p><p> </p><p>Ordinarily, this is a cause for nothing but celebration, but Loki’s life long partner to be was American. He lived an ocean away, spearheading a billion dollar business. As one might imagine, that is no small feat to overcome in a budding relationship.</p><p> </p><p>But Tony’d been worth it. Loki’d willingly fought to make it work, And eventually, they’d made the decision to move in together.</p><p> </p><p>For Loki, that had meant moving to the States, had meant leaving his family behind. But he’d chosen to follow his heart. He could visit them, after all, and they could visit him. While he had felt like he was making a sacrifice, it had never felt like an insurmountable one. It would all be alright.</p><p> </p><p>And then his parents had passed, first one, then the other. It had been a devastating blow – and not just because Loki’d lost his parents. Thor, his brother, the one person who could have understood the pain Loki felt, blamed Loki for not being there in their final hours.</p><p> </p><p>Tony was there for him, of course, but it had still been rough going. Moving on was no simple feat.</p><p> </p><p>Two months later, while Loki was deep in the trenches of grief, a candy that let the consumer relive any memory of their choosing was relased onto the market.</p><p> </p><p>iii.</p><p>Memories with his mother are his favourite to revisit. Even in life, even when things between them were less than perfect, he always loved her deeply, a mama’s boy through and through. She was always the one person in the world who had always loved Loki unconditionally. She’d always understood him in ways the rest of his family hadn’t.</p><p> </p><p>But she’s not the only one Loki chooses to visit. And today, he’s spending the afternoon in a memory with Odin.</p><p> </p><p>Odin and he always had a turbulent relationship, and they didn’t always get along. It makes for a very short list of memories worth revisiting.</p><p> </p><p>His favourite is this one:</p><p> </p><p>Loki’s a child, maybe ten years old. He’s tucked up in bed, warm and cozy. On his dresser is a dirty mug that once contained hot cocoa, the kind he gets when he wakes up from nightmares and seeks his parents’ comfort. The lights are off, except one night light bathing the room in a soft glow, patterning the room with faint sparkles and stars. And on the edge of his bed sits Odin; looking younger, despite the fact that he’s never not looked old, a book of myths for children in his lap.</p><p> </p><p>”And that’s how Thor and Loki won Thor’s hammer back and saved Freya from marrying the evil jotun.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s a story Loki’s heard a thousand times, even before the memory candy. But in this very memory, it’s the first time he hears it. And Loki, ten years old, is giggling relentlessly. He understands that this is not about Thor and himself in real life, but he’s not quite capable of keeping the mental images seperate. And Thor, even at 11 years old, does not look cute in a wedding dress in Loki’s imagination.</p><p> </p><p>He decides to voice as much. ”It is good he wore a veil, father. He might not be so charming if anyone saw what was underneath.”</p><p> </p><p>Odin lets out a surprised bark of a laugh. ”No, I suppose you have a point, my son.” Loki knows, now that he is viewing this through the lens of older age, that Odin would never normally talk about his son in such a way. But it is true, and when it is blurred with fiction, as it is now, it is easier for him to poke a bit of gentle fun at his son.</p><p> </p><p>”But I’d look very pretty in a dress, I think,” Loki muses.</p><p> </p><p>Odin’s smile is fond. ”I am sure you would, my son.” He leans down to press a kiss to Loki’s forehead.<br/>
<br/>
It’s a moment of complete and utter love and acceptance.</p><p> </p><p>iv.</p><p>On other occasions, he will revisit memories with Thor.</p><p> </p><p>Thor, who is still very much alive, but whose last words to Loki were still ”you should have been here.” Who is, more than anyone, the one person who understands what Loki’s going through and could provide some of the comfort he needs, but who seems to be hiding somewhere on the other side of a canyon of their own making.</p><p> </p><p>Loki’s supposed to be at work. But today, like it happens more and more frequently, he’s called in sick in favour of diving into yet another memory.</p><p> </p><p>It’s late. He and Thor are walking along a cobblestoned street of their childhood hometown, and everything is quiet around them. The streetlights are on, but they still have a view of a smattering of stars above them.</p><p> </p><p>Loki takes in a deep breath, enjoying the whiff of salt in the air. They’re not close enough to the sea to hear the waves, but if Loki concentrates hard enough, he can trick himself into thinking the sound is right at the edge of his fingertips. He feels good; his shoulders are relaxed, free of the tension they otherwisely carry nearly all of the time.</p><p> </p><p>Thor’s the one who breaks the quiet; a quiet that’s unusual for the two of them, but which is all the more appreciated for it. ”I think you’ll be happy. When you go. To America, I mean.”</p><p> </p><p>Ah, yes. Because this memory took place a month before Loki left.</p><p> </p><p>The words make Loki smile, though. Thor’s not saying ’I will miss you’ or ’I wish you didn’t have to go’ or ’it will be so quiet without you here’. Thor, who’s usually a bit emotionally clumsy, is not guilting him or expressing sadness. He’s acknowledging that this is what’s going to make Loki happy.</p><p> </p><p>”I think I will too,” Loki says, smiling a bit.</p><p> </p><p>v.</p><p>If Loki’s honest with himself, that candy’s an addiction.</p><p> </p><p>It started out as something just to try and cope with his grief, quickly becoming a weekly treat. Not that it stayed that way for long; soon after, it became a daily ritual to wind down at the end of the day. And now, he’s spending every waking moment he can scrounge up on reliving old memories.</p><p> </p><p>Until he’s forced to quit cold turkey.</p><p> </p><p>”Tony?” Loki calls out, frantically searching their kitchen cupboards, but coming up empty. When Tony doesn’t immediately respond, Loki calls out again, agitation clearly rising in his voice. ”Tony!”</p><p> </p><p>Finally, his partner shows up in the doorway. Before Loki even manages to ask if Tony’s seen his memory candy, Tony tells him ”don’t bother.”</p><p> </p><p>Loki stills. He doesn’t even turn to look at Tony. He just… stills. ”What?”</p><p> </p><p>”I told you not to bother.”<br/>
<br/>
”You don’t know what I was going to ask you.”<br/>
<br/>
”Loki. Babe. Of course I knew.”</p><p> </p><p>Long moments pass. Then, without warning, Loki stalks off and slams the bedroom door behind him.</p><p> </p><p>vi.</p><p> </p><p>He sulks in the bedroom for about three hours before Tony comes knocking. Smart choice; while they clearly need to talk about this, Loki needed to cool off, to scream and rage and hurl pillows at the wall.</p><p> </p><p>(If he accidentally knocked over some ridiculous knickknack and it’s been left on the floor in about thirty different pieces, neither of them comment on it.)</p><p> </p><p>The door creaks, but Loki doesn’t look up or say anything. It’s enough of a response for Tony, though, who knows him better than anyone. Loki hears Tony padding across the the floor on socked feet, feels the bed sink a bit under the weight of him. Feels the solid, comforting presence of a hand on his thigh.</p><p> </p><p>”You know I took them away for your own good, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Loki nods. ”I know.” Having had three hours to clear his head, he’s realized that he hasn’t spent even one full hour in his own company in a long while. And while the first hour was rough, the second came easier. And though it still hurt by the third hour, it was a good hurt. Like being sore after sex or a satisfying work out.</p><p> </p><p>”I love you,” Tony tells him. ”I do. And I know how much you miss your parents. I would do anything to bring them back if I could. But this? Babe, you’re not bringing them back. You’re stuck in the past, and it’s bringing you nothing but misery.”</p><p> </p><p>A streak of wet is spreading down Loki’s cheek. ”I just wish that things were like they used to be.”</p><p> </p><p>”I know,” Tony promises, drawing Loki into his arms. Loki follows willingly. ”But they’re not. And you’ve got to start living in the present again.”<br/>
<br/>
Loki buries his face in Tony’s shoulder and cries until he’s out of pent up emotion and he’s nodding off.</p><p> </p><p>Through the whole thing, Tony’s support and presence never wavers.</p><p> </p><p>vii.</p><p>The next day, Loki and Tony throw the bag of memory candy out, and then they make three calls.</p><p> </p><p>First call is to a therapist, making an appointment for Loki to get grief counciling.</p><p> </p><p>Second call is to an airline that’ll take them to Loki’s home country the very next day.</p><p> </p><p>And the third?</p><p> </p><p>”Hello?” a deep voice sounds, and Loki’s heart leaps. He’d been afraid that he wouldn’t pick up. Evidently, things aren’t as lost as Loki had feared, and he finds himself relaxing just a bit.</p><p> </p><p>”Thor,” he sighs, heartache and familiarity and relief all wrapped up in that one syllable. ”Oh, brother, I’ve missed you.”</p>
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